Melancholy Mood

It's only 9pm here and I am exhausted. Completely and utterly wiped. There's techno music blasting all around me and an annoying little dog keeps licking my toes. Last night I worked my first graveyard shift, 11pm-7am. I didn't get home until about quarter of 8 this morning. I passed out until about 1:15 this afternoon, at which point I felt I should get up and make a day of it. I'm working on a couple of Christmas projects aright now which are very fulfilling and make me feel less lonely.

I guess that's what I've been feeling mostly. I'm happy and content with life down here on South Beach, but I'm lonely. I came down here to get away from what I had always known. To challenge myself in a way I never have before. I wanted to gain some clarity for myself and the life I want to pursue. I wanted to get to know myself a little better and become familiar with what made me tick. I guess when you grow up in a large family, some of that individual identity gets lost, or just develops a little slower. For me I felt that after about 16 years of following a system, having most of my decisions pre-determined, life all of a sudden was very unclear. College sort of takes in you in, tosses you all over the place and then spits you out. That is, in my opinion of course.

Moving down to South Beach has certainly helped me realize what I want, what I love, and what I want to spend my time doing. It has put so much truth behind the saying: Turns out not where, but who you're with that matters. I remember seeing that saying hanging up in Kurt and Danielle's first house. It's meaning was not as clear as it is to me now. I am 22 years old living in this whole new city, with all my friends and all the people I love somewhere else. There's nothing wrong with that of course. A lot of people venture out on their own and establish themselves someplace new quite successfully. But I do feel a void, a sense of lacking. I miss my friends. I miss the people I love so dearly who have gone through so much with me and all have their special places in my heart.

My plans at this point are to stay down here until the summer. At that point I'd like to move to Boston with a few friends who also going through some trial and error life decisions. I think Boston will offer me some wonderful job opportunities and eventually be the place I go back to school.

Anyways, this whole thing started because I'm tired and that clearly had an effect on the direction of this blog. I never know what these read like, because I hardly ever go back and read them. I don't really know if they make sense, if they make me seem crazy, depressed, happy, confused, self-assured. I guess I know how I feel and that's important. Right now I'm a little melancholy and looking foward to christmas. Looking foward to seeing everyone and being home for a while.